Adventures of a Nine Legged Spider
by panners
Summary: It all began when the Spiders decided to renovate their building with legally earnt money. Never would they have thought their exciting past would catch up to them in such a boring, normal way. On permanent hiatus.
1. Unrest x Improvments x Bouncer

========= **ADVENTURES OF A NINE LEGGED SPIDER** =========  
by Onkiu!  
  
=================================================  
*****  
Author's note: Hi, it's been 4 years since I last wrote any sort of fanfiction, so please bare with me. This is also my first HxH fanfic, I hope you'll enjoy it. 'Nuff said. 

This is supposed to be funny, but if its not, oh well. I tried my best o_0. Writing this just lets out all the stress during my examination period. Any feedback is welcome, but if you're going to criticise, please make sure it has substance and pointers for improvement! Thank you! ^_^

By the way, this story takes place in that little time gap before the second OVA and after the first. Yes, I know Spiders don't hesitate to kill with or without a chain guy, but then again, if they don't hesitate, it wouldn't be funny =|

Very proud of myself, this is my brainchild which played around in my head for a day before being placed onto the computer screen.  
  
Author's note #2: **This Chapter was re-edited on 19/12/03. **I found that the huge spacing between the lines must be annoying, and since the format wasn't quite like the other chapters, I have redone it for your viewing pleasure =)

Disclaimer: Yatta yatta, you know the drill. Keeping it simple and clean, so you can get on with the story!   
*****  
==================================================  
Onkiu presents:  
**ADVENTURES OF A NINE LEGGED SPIDER**  
_Chapter One: The Unrest x Home Improvements x Feitan the bouncer_  
  
==================================================

An atmosphere of unrest had settled upon the remaining nine members of the Genei Ryodan ever since Kuroro had left them to find the Nen remover. Day in, day out, the remaining limbs sat silently, gloomily, staring at the candles that blazed over Paku's makeshift coffin.

Life for the spiders, at this moment, was not the least bit interesting, and hence the unrest ¡V the brigade wanted excitement! They wanted to steal, kill, not sit around and do nothing!

Shizuku stared around at her depressing, dank surroundings. Cold concrete walls with no paint, cardboard boxes for chairs, and assorted junk piled up on the floor. Not to mention the lack of electricity and running water. 

On some cardboard boxes a few metres above her sat Feitan reading a book. Bent around the pile of soil under which was Paku's corpse was Sharlnack, planting in more candles.

'Sharlnack!' called out Shizuku.

'Yes?' he answered.

'You know what? I've been thinking,' said she, 'This place is depressing. There's no proper furniture. We sit on piled up cardboard boxes, sleep on folded down cardboard boxes, and have our dinner placed on cardboard boxes joined together. We need furniture! We need proper chairs! I'm sick and tired of cardboard boxes!'

'Yeah!' piqued in Nobunaga, who was resting against the wall, 'I've been thinking about the same thing. How the hell did we manage to live in a place like this? This place is the epitome of depressing!' 

'The building is falling apart and we have no running water! I long to have a bath at least once a day, you know. I don't want to go to the local swimming pool to have a shower once a week,' added Machi, 'And come out to find Hisoka waiting for me in the baby paddling pool, filled with rubber ducks, asking me to teach him to swim!'

'What we really needed is a kitchen!' said Phinx, adding fuel to the fire, 'Every time we go hungry, you guys always make me put on that stupid monobrow and goatee and make me carry home your stupid McFamily feast! I'm sick of McDonalds! I want real food!'

'And we should fix those damned holes in our bedrooms! The ones that the stupid brat made when you couldn't restrain two little kids!' said Kurotopi, shooting a nasty look at Nobunaga. 'Last time, I caught Phinx peeking in when I was changing!'

'Gee, I was only trying to find out if you were male or female,' muttered Phinx sulkily, all his fuel gone.

'Whoa, whoa! Hold it there!' cried Sharlnack, holding his hands up, surprised at the sudden outburst from the members. With the lack of a leader around them, the remaining members of the brigade had somehow unanimously agreed to make Sharlnack their unofficial leader for the time being. It was somehow an unspoken rule that if Kuroro was not around, Sharlnack would be in charge anyway.

'You guys want renovations, huh? I think you've been missing out on some details. Where are we supposed to get the money? Renovations need money, you know!'

'Sell the goods that we stole from the auctions, obviously.'

'Selling the goods means that we will have to take them to a pawn shop, yes? Do you think that it is very common for people to sell off stuff that recently became missing from the auctions? Don't you think that the shop owners will alert the authorities that the missing goods have come in? Don't you know that by doing this, it will draw attention to ourselves, which is what we DON'T want?! Because, drawing attention to ourselves will obviously mean that there is a chance that the attention may come from the chain guy? And have you all forgotten Danchou's prophecies?'

'It's best to lie low for a while? To avoid the chain guy as much as possible?' said Franklin.

'My point exactly! Perfectly summed up, Franklin. You did it in one line what I did in six,' said Sharlnack happily.

Shizuku looked rather unhappy. 'Does that mean, no renovations for us? No proper chairs? No table? No-'

'No! What I mean is,' said Sharlnack, 'We earn money the way we've never earnt it before.'

'So we don't kill, threaten or maim?'

'Nup! We earn our dough, the legal way!'

'Legal way? What's that?' said Feitan.

'THIS!' he cried, thrusting the York Shin Times at him. Feitan caught it and opened it.

'Since when have you been getting newspapers?' said Phinx sceptically. 

'Never you mind! I've just been checking for news of Danchou, that's all. Little snippets and all that. But never mind that,' continued Sharlnack. 'Turn to the classifieds, Feitan. There are people advertising because they need workers.'

Feitan took out the classifieds liftout, and scanned down the page. _Auto-, auto-, blah, blah, technician, that'd be good for Sharlnack, doctor? We'd probably kill them rather than save them, seamstress, that's Machi, lingerie model, not tall enough, hmm, bouncer? No experience needed, good pay. Sounding good to me already, _thought Feitan.

'How about bouncer, Sharlnack? I've found the job, now what do I do?'

'Call them and make an appointment. And make a resume.'

'Resume? What's that?'

'Aii, I'll show you,' sighed Sharlnack. _Thank goodness I know the ways of the common folk_, thought he.

==================================================

Feitan looked around the street. _13, 13, there it is, the Funky Cows nightclub! What a slick sounding name. _

He entered a dimly lit and empty room. Empty, because it was not night yet. Feitan's eyes adjusted to the darkness and made out some tacky décor, a dance floor, and some clean tables with high chairs. A sign on the far back indicated the directions to the toilets. The carpet on the floor was clean, even if it wasn't the most luxurious. 

Being a man of little words, Feitan looked around for the manager's office rather than call out. He walked along the corridor which led to the toilets and finally found it, and opened the door.

_'First impressions last. Remember, be polite, and knock on the door. I know you're not used to it,' Sharlnack's voice raced through his head. _

Closing it again, Feitan knocked on it.

'Come in!' boomed a loud, surly voice. 'Do sit down!'

Feitan seated himself in a rough, plastic chair, and passed over his resume. 

'Hello, Feitan, nice to meet you,' said the man, holding out his hand.

_Sharlnack's voice wheezed: 'When he offers his hand like this,' he demonstrates, 'You hold it lightly but firmly and shake it. Don't wring it or twist it off.' _

Feitan grabbed it as lightly and firmly as he could and shook it. The man opened his envelope and read through the contents.

'Hmm, name: Feitan Lucifer?'

**Flashback**_~_

_'Here, Feitan, fill this in. This is kind of a module for a resume.' said Sharlnack._

_He stared at the contents. Name, Surname, family, birthdates, education, hobbies and interests, comments. _

_'Finished!' _

_ 'Pretty quick,' said Sharlnack. 'Hey, you only filled in one box! Name: Feitan. What about the rest of it?' _

_Feitan shrugged._

_'Goodness, I don't think they'd accept an empty resume!' _

_'But I don't know my birthday, surname education, and I don't have hobbies, interests or any comments about myself.' _

_'Then make some up! The more there is, the more the employer will love you!' Sharlnack sighed. 'Alright, surname, you know what, I just realised, no one in the Ryodan has a surname, except for Kuroro. Ah who cares, let's just put his surname in.' _

_'What about the rest of it?' _

_'Make it up ,birthday,' Sharlnack scribbled something in. 'Family Bleh, let's just make something up, how about putting Paku as your mother and Ubo as your father? Since they're both dead, it's harder to question.' _

_'What about the rest of it?' _

_'I'll go find some model resume from the net and fill it in for you.' _

**Flashback end**_~ _

'Do you still live with your parents?'

'Parents? What's… No, they're dead.'

'Oh, I'm so sorry,' said the man, not sounding sorry at all. 

Feitan shrugged. 

'You were educated at York Shin Girl's Academy? And your hobbies are sewing, knitting and baking cookies? You have interests in children and fashion?'

'What?!'

'And your comments: "I absolutely adore children. One of my dreams is to have my own children one day and become a good parent. I love being able to guide children, as they are the leaders for our future! One day, I would like to publish my guide to parenting!"'

_Sharlnack,! What model resume did you copy, a girl looking for a career in babysitting? _

'Mr Lucifer! Are you sure you applied for the right job as a bouncer? Shouldn't you be applying for a career in babysitting?' said the Surly Man, echoing Feitan's thoughts exactly.

'So do I get the job or not?' Feitan said silkily, getting right to the point.

'We'll call you back in a month or so.' the man lied. 

'Do I get it or not?' repeated Feitan.

'We'll see.'

In a tenth of a second, Feitan had leapt from his chair and had twisted the man's arms behind his back.

_'Don't torture them into giving you a job,' Sharlnack's voice AGAIN! Oh shuttup, Sharlnack,_ thought Feitan, chasing Sharlnack's face from his mind.

'Ahh!! Ahh!! Let go! Please!! Ahh! You get the job! AHh!' yelped the man. Feitan let go, and the man gasped for breath, rubbing his arm from the pain. 

'He, he, he,' said the man faintly. 'That's what I like to see, a bouncer who jumps to action when provoked, he he he…'

==================================================

Chapter 2 coming soon! Stay tuned! Watch this space ^__~ Chapter 2 will take a look at Feitan's new job as the tiniest bouncer around!


	2. Kurapika x Undercover x Behind Enemy Lin...

======== **ADVENTURES OF A NINE LEGGED SPIDER** ========  
by Onkiu!  
  
=================================================  
*****  
Author's Note: Thank you to everyone for your kind reviews! They made me really happy... I'm serious! When I saw them, I felt happy that people actually read it... LOL! *tears sparkle in Onkiu's eye_s*_  
  
So, a big thank you! Sorry for keeping you all waiting on this chapter, but ever since the holidays did come up, I actually didn't do much writing. In fact, I probably slept in more =\. Also, this chapter is late because I got a new comp. My half typed Chapter Two Was left on the old comp, and now, I'm typing this up from scratch.   
  
This is also originally in txt format, not in HTML, since I didn't have MS Word or Frontpage on this (yes, I was using Notepad... argh!) Now I have to reedit it... BLOODY _!  
  
Well, here is the late Chapter Two! Sorry, for the three month wait, my parents were annoyed and thus I had no internet. I actually finished this yonks ago, and already have started chapter three.  
  
  
Legal Stuff: Please refer to Chapter One - I do not own HxH!  
*****  
==================================================  
Onkiu presents:  
**ADVENTURES OF A NINE LEGGED SPIDER**  
_Chapter Two Pt 1: Kurapika x Undercover x Behind Enemy Lines_  
A game of pretence.  
  
[Original title: The bouncer x angry young man x clashes]  
==================================================  
  
York Shin really was quite glorious at night. Its famous nightscape, summed up in one word, was simply: splendid. Bright street nights, neon shop lights, and soft yellow lights from apartments contributed to the image that made York Shin one of the most famous night spots in the world. Looking down from the sky, one really would not know all the dark and shady figures that haunted this beautiful and enchanting city.   
  
On a bustling, York Shin road full of honking rush hour traffic and an unusual amount of people, even for a never-sleeping city such as York Shin, chatting as they walked about, enjoying their night time shopping or whatever social activities that they were off to on this ungodly hour was a certain little man whose mouth was covered with a picture of a rather cute looking skull.   
  
He walked alone, silent until he reached Number 13, Railway Parade. The Funky Cows Club. Feitan heaved the door opened and found his boss waiting inside, pacing up and down the room nervously. Feitan sighed. Despite its ultra tacky decor, consisting of leopard prints on the chairs, ugly plastic blue tables, bright red walls with retro neon lights, and its vile bile coloured, slightly moulding but somehow clean carpet, it was still better than home, which had NO decor (tacky or not) at all.  
  
"Ahh! Feitan, you're here!" said he.  
  
"..." said Feitan, in his usual silent greeting. Trying to show at least a little concern for his employer, he said, "... What's wrong?"  
  
"Well, Feitan, do you know what day it is?" replied the boss. _Probably not_, he thought.  
  
"Friday." said Feitan.  
  
"No, no! I mean, it's the York Shin annual Everybody-B-Happy! Festival! It was a York Shin City Council initiative to reduce crime by making their citizens enjoy life and interact with each other more."  
  
"So what am I supposed to do about that?"  
  
"Well, its also Friday night, you see. Combined with the festival, it means that there will be more people than usually expected. Since there are more people, you might expect some trouble. Be prepared, Feitan, even a little guy like you may have some trouble.'  
  
Feitan made no answer. Not that he really cared if a Festival was on or not. All that he needed was the money.   
  
"Here, Feitan. This might be of help should some trouble start."  
  
His boss passed him a baseball bat.  
  
==================================================  
  
Seated on a high stool with tacky leather prints, in front of a long queue of night clubbers sat a very tiny bouncer. In fact, he was the smallest bouncer to ever grace Railway Parade's nightclubs. All the people staring at the little man had no idea of the great things that he had done in the past (and will do in the future.) Feitan stared back impassively at the people staring at him, fingering his baseball bat absentmindedly and wondering how strong it would be if he tried to smash these annoying ogling people's heads with it.   
  
_The customer is always right!_ The big surly boss's voice suddenly raced through his head. Feitan quickly shook that thought of the baseball bat and the guy that was the first in the queue's head away.   
  
'Gee, look at him… smallest bouncer I've ever seen.'  
  
'Do you think he'll do his job properly?' said a girl worriedly to her boyfriend. 'I mean, he's so tiny! Even I'm bigger than him!'  
  
'Don't worry,' answered her boyfriend, slapping his chest in what was supposed to look like a strong gesture, though it looked painfully try hard since he was not quite that buffed, 'I'll protect you!'  
  
Feitan rolled his little eyes. _Idiots. I can take you all down in 0.6 of a second if I felt like it. This is such a degrading job._  
  
Somewhere behind that couple, along that long line of skankily dressed night clubbers were three certain off duty bodyguards, who, unlike the fellow night clubbers, were not so skankily dressed. Maybe with the certain exception of a hairy man, who felt it rather necessary for his hairy chest to be just slightly exposed. Basho was bored, and had taken to whistling an annoying tune which sounded uncanny like some children's song. To pass his time waiting, he was also checking out all the pretty girls walking down the street in their short skirts and tight shirts. Senritsu was humming too, but it was a much more melodic tune, while glancing worriedly every now and then at Kurapika. Kurapika, being the only one not humming any tune, was leaning against the wall, staring tersely at all the relaxed people. He was neither relaxed nor skankily clad, and he look much like an oddity in such a happy atmosphere.  
  
Senritsu stopped humming and turned to Kurapika. 'Kurapika, what's wrong? Your heartbeat tells me that there's something heavy weighing on your mind.'  
  
Kurapika sighed. 'It's nothing. Really.' he added, when Senritsu continued staring at him, trying to penetrate his train of thoughts.  
  
Senritsu looked back sceptically at him, but none the less, did not pursue it. She knew it wasn't nothing, but then, trying to get an answer out of Kurapika was like trying to find a spot on Basho's arms that wasn't covered with   
hair.  
  
'Relax, Kurapika, my pal! Look! It's our night off! We finally put that horrible little girl to sleep (and how they did that, nobody knows), we finally convinced Elisa that she'll be alright, and we finally got ourselves 5 metres away from her!' said Basho happily. 'In fact, we were so lucky to have our day off to coincide with the Everybody-B-Happy Festival! There's so much on this night, and more people are out! How lively is that, mate?'  
  
'It's not that…'  
  
'Kurapika, be happy! Smile! We're actually not too far behind in the line to the coolest nightclub in York Shin, even on this night! There are pretty girls everywhere! What more could you want?'  
  
'Nothing.' Kurapika sighed. No use arguing with Basho.  
  
'Good! Now let's go in!'  
  
Time seemed to have gone by very quickly during that conversation, for they were at the front of the queue now. Kurapika was about to step inside after the bodycheck when someone caught his eye.  
  
The bouncer. There was something about him that he didn't like, but he just couldn't place it.  
  
Maybe it was his unwavering stare, or maybe it was the amber eyes that were doing the staring. Or maybe Kurapika was being too judgemental, as he usually was when it came to first impressions. Whatever it was, he just DID NOT like him.   
  
And it seemed that there was something in Kurapika that the bouncer didn't like either, because the bouncer was staring at him with that unnerving gaze. In fact, he wasn't staring at anybody else. Kurapika couldn't tell from the expression, since the bottom half of his face was covered, but he could tell it definitely wasn't friendly.   
  
'Kurapika!' cried Senritsu, who had obviously detected something wrong with Kurapika's heartbeat. 'What are you doing?'   
  
Noticing his gaze at Feitan, she whispered, "Don't worry; you're just as good looking. Plus, you're taller! He won't be of any threat to you!"   
  
She tugged at his arm, and finally pulled him in.   
  
Basho, Senritsu and Kurapika seated themselves at a tiny, and ugly blue plastic table. The waitress came and took their orders ('3 pale ales,' said Basho happily, 'And can I ask you out to dinner?'), and after she left (and rejected his offer), Senritsu whispered quietly to Kurapika, 'Kurapika, are you alright? Maybe you shouldn't have come.'  
  
She tried a tact that may pry open his defence slowly. 'You didn't like the long queues that much? Or are you worried about Neon being looked after only be Elisa at home?'  
  
Ever since he had to accept her help, Kurapika had learnt to trust her, and accept her as a confidante. She really need not use those tactics.  
  
'Well, it's just that-' he was whispering when all of a sudden, a fight broke out near them. Some drunk hobo was snickering and making lame jokes at the small bouncer, who was staring rather coolly back at the man. The bar had gone silent. All eyes were on the bouncer and the hobo. Some gamblers were even making bets on who would win: The big hobo or the little bouncer. The hobo looked ready for a fight. He picked up a bottle and lunged at the bouncer, who, in a swift and fluid movement, had caught him behind the back and was twisting his arm in what looked like a very painful lock.  
  
But it was not the fight that amazed Kurapika. It was the swift movement of the bouncer. He was sure that no one else in the room, apart from maybe Senritsu, Basho and himself, had seen the way that the bouncer had suddenly slipped from one corner of the room to another. It was too fast for a normal, untrained eye to detect.  
  
"Did you see that!?" whispered Senritsu ferverently, "That was so swift! It's as though he's a member of the Genei Ryodan or from the Zoldick family! Only people like them can move so fluidly! He moved like pale ale!"  
  
_Genei Ryodan! That's what's been bothering me! That man… is a member of the Genei Ryodan!_  
  
Kurapika felt his temper flare up, his eyes glow red under his contact lens. He felt like throwing his judgement chain forward recklessly and stab him to death in front of this crowd. He didn't care. He wanted to show them that this was the consequence for all those who want to ally themselves to the Ryodan. Senritsu obviously sensed all that too, for she had grabbed Kurapika's arm, and Basho had followed suit. They dragged him into the alley, where they threw a bucket of ice water over him (considering that Senritsu didn't feel it was necessary to bring a flute on a night out).  
  
"Kurapika! Calm down!"  
  
Flaying and trying to get away from their grip was too much work, while he was cold, slippery and wet. Basho was strong, and Senritsu stronger than she looked. Finally he gave up his squirming, and was instead content to stare icily at the bouncer, standing in the doorway, who was staring just as icily back.  
  
_I have to crush the spider…_  
  
==================================================  
  
Yay. Chapter Two finished. Hehe, thank you for reading... how was it? Did you enjoy it? Chapter Three coming soon - more Feitan glory!   
  
Originally this chapter (Chapter Two) was 10,000+ words long, but I felt this was too long and boring to read (considering that most fics **WERE** 10,000 words long.) So, I've divided this Chapter into a few sections to make for easier reading =)


	3. Kurapika x Undercover x Behind Enemy Lin...

========= **ADVENTURES OF A NINE LEGGED SPIDER** =========  
by Onkiu!  
  
=================================================  
*****  
Author's Note: This is the second part of who knows how many parts of Chapter Two. Like I said before, this chapter was an unexpected 10,000 words + long, which would make this quite a long two chapter fic.   
  
Also, I felt that it would be too tedious, long and boring for people to read such a long page.   
  
So, Chapter Two has now been separated into 2000 word long sections for easier reading!  
  
Legal Stuff: Please refer to Chapter One - I do not own HxH!  
*****  
==================================================  
Onkiu presents:  
**ADVENTURES OF A NINE LEGGED SPIDER**  
_Chapter Two Pt 2: Kurapika x Undercover x Behind Enemy Lines_  
A game of pretence.  
  
[Original title: The bouncer x angry young man x clashes]  
==================================================  
  
Arriving home, surprisingly not tired, Feitan was bombarded with questions from Sharlnack, who was seated in one of the three plump, red armchairs that were paid for with Feitan's first paycheque. Sharlnack was reading the York Shin Times and making full use of his 30 minute time limit on the chair (considering that there were only 3 armchairs between 9 people, there were time limits imposed so that all members had a fair go, and that they were not taken on a first come first serve basis).   
  
Sharlnack looked up from his newspaper, and said "How was your day? Had fun at work? Enjoy your new job? Anything interesting?"  
  
"Yes, actually. I met a very interesting person today." Said Feitan. "It was the chain guy… what's his name? Kuropika."  
  
"Kurapika," corrected Sharlnack. "Wait! Are you sure? **Th**e chain guy?! The one that took down Ubo, Paku and Dancho?!"   
  
"Yes… he had a chain on him."  
  
"But that could've been any guy with a chain on him! Are you sure that he was OUR chain guy?" said Kurotopi, worried that Feitan's eyes might be just a **ta**d too small to see the whole thing.  
  
"I'm pretty sure. He looks exactly the same as the guy from the Pakunoda's memories."  
  
"This is bad…" thought Sharlnack aloud. "Here we are, trying to AVOID the chain guy, but now, he's hanging around the same place that we are… Not good. This is not good."  
  
"How about Feitan just quit his job, and it'll be all over!" said Franklin. "We won't see him, and he won't see us."  
  
"But there may have been a chance that he didn't recognise you," said Bonoroleof.   
  
"Do you think that the he didn't recognise you, when you recognised him?" said Shizuku hopefully. "You and him never came face to face right? The only people who've met him is Paku, Dancho, Ubo and Hisoka, and they're not here anymore!"  
  
"Ahem," said Sharlnack loudly, reminding everyone who was the leader for now. "I think that Shizuku and Bono are right. For you to quit at such a stage would make it more suspicious. It would definitely make him think that something was wrong."  
  
"But there's also a chance that he could be recognised. That guy has some sort of anti-spider detector on him," said Phinx. "He could kill Feitan at work."  
  
"I actually think it's a good thing that the chain guy is nearby now. We can keep a watch on him, and if we ever need to, capture him and take him back to base to question him about Danchou, though there is actually the chance that he might lash out at us." said Sharlnack. "But there is also that chance that if we DO capture him, he might kill us all, seeing how strong he is."  
  
"So what should we do, vice-captain?"  
  
"I have another plan!"  
  
Feitan slapped his forehead, praying that it had nothing to do with babysitting or his love of children.  
  
"We have 4 spiders on roster to protect him every night, see how his situation is. Two spiders every night, and each spider goes for 3 nights a week. They just swap partners every now and then so it won't be too obvious."   
  
"And those four spiders are….?"  
  
"Aha! That's the exciting bit… they'll be determined by…. Spider Lucky Lotteries!" cried Sharlnack happily, revealing his genius to his fellows. He unveiled a lottery machine that no one knew where he got from. Strangely enough, no one noticed it had been standing in the midst of them either. When he got it was a mystery, but no one seemed to care.  
  
The whole room fell silent. "Er…"   
  
"Here. There are 13 balls with our names and faces on them. There are 9 right now, since I took out Paku's, Ubo's, Danchou's and that damned Hisoka's. This machine will then draw out 4 balls, and the 4 lucky people will then be Feitan's 'bodyguards' against the chain guy!"  
  
Sharlnack tipped the balls in. The machine started whirring, the balls flying up here and there, hitting against the glass, shaped for some uncanny reason to resemble a pear. Finally, it stopped, and a mechanical spider dangled down from the top, and grabbed the first ball out.  
  
"And the first lucky winner is….." said Sharlnack, trying to make it sound exciting. "Machi!!"  
  
Machi stared blankly. The machine drew 3 more balls out, with Phinx, Nobunaga and Shizuku's faces on it.  
  
"Alright! It's decided! On the first night, Machi and Shizuku will hang around Funky Cows, then Phinx and Nobunaga, then Shizuku and Phinx..! And you guys had better learn some secret signals just to tell each other what the chain guy is up to without being too obvious."  
  
"Like?" said Machi coolly.  
  
Sharlnack proceeded to teach them the 'Spider Secret Signals Invented By Sharlnack.' One tap on the nose for "He's coming you're way", two taps for "Let's quit for the night", three for "Retreat, retreat!", and a swipe across the nose, Bruce Lee style, for "Let's get him!"   
  
Sharlnack, satisfied that the signals had been implanted into their brains, was able to rest happily that night.  
  
==================================================  
  
There were three itsy bitsy spiders on the prowl the very next night. One called Shizuku, one called Machi, and one called Feitan. The one called Feitan went to sit on his little leopard print stool outside a hip nightclub with tacky decor called Funky Cows. The other two went to have a 'girls' night out' at the very same place.  
  
Seated on one of the aforementioned leopard print stools, which were somehow surprisingly comfortable, was Machi. She sighed at the boredom, over her Mr. Juicy's Vitamin C+ Orange Juice, and commented nonchalantly. "I really don't think that Feitan needed our help. He may be small, but he's powerful."   
  
Shizuku shrugged. "But it's for the safety of him and the Ryodan."   
  
They sat quietly for a while, listening to the soft background music provided by some unknown band called the Cockroaches. The night, in fact, was quite uneventful. A few guys tried to pick them up, using lame lines such as "Your glasses make your eyes shine like the stars." To return the compliment, Machi poured her drink all over them, in which they stopped their unctuous compliments and turned on them, snarling. Feitan then came to break up the fight, while they pretended that they did not know each other. Their acting, in fact, was very well done.   
  
It was at the time that Shizuku and Machi thought that the chain guy wouldn't come that he appeared. He was wearing exactly what he was when Pakunoda had last saw him, and was accompanied by a small, balding woman wearing ragged green clothes and a gigantic man who seemed to have more hair over his body that Shizuku and Machi had combined. They stood out quite a lot from the crowd of young and not so odd looking night clubbers, dancing on the floor, picking up people.   
  
"There he is." whispered Machi  
  
"How do you know that's him?" said Shizuku.  
  
"He's got a chain on him."   
  
"Oh."  
  
Luckily, they were hidden in the shadows, and it seemed that the chain guy had not noticed them. They ordered 3 pale ales (so named because of their pale, white colour that resembled milk), which seemed to be the only drink around. For the time that they were observing him, they noticed that he was fairly antisocial. Not once did he get up from his chair to dance, to get another drink, to chat to other people. He only talked to his own friends, and not once did he respond to the flirting he received from other club patrons. The girls that got rejected did not seem pleased. One girl even huffily shouted, "But I'm even prettier than him, how can he NOT notice me?!" And much to her displeasure, he did not respond to that half threat either, which reduced her to tears before she stormed out of the club.  
  
But the one thing that scared them most was that he never seemed to gaze at anything but Feitan.  
  
"I think the chain guy is in love with Feitan." said Shizuku innocently.  
  
Machi whipped out her phone and dialled Sharlnack's number. Ring ring, ring ring. "Hello, Sharlnack. We want to report our observations."  
  
"Ah, hi Machi. Report."  
  
"We still haven't been able to determine his Nen type, but we've figured out some of his personality. This guy is fairly antisocial and is focused on getting us, or at least Feitan, killed."  
  
"Hm. I've never thought of his personality before. We may actually act on it and use it to to our advantage."  
  
"Yes. It seems as though he does not want to rely on his friends that much."  
  
==================================================  
  
"I'm certain he's a spider." said Kurapika, the hatred dripping evidently from his voice. He was seated in one of the plump, velvety armchairs in their new hotel room at the Peninsula. Soft, golden lights shone down from the walls. Nostrad, fearing for his daughters safety, had ordered them to transfer to a new hotel room every 3 days. His fears had escalated even more so ever since the raid by the Ryodan at the auction, and that she was probably known by them since her picture was on the Hunter website.   
  
"Kurapika, you have to be careful. You can't forget that if you take him on, that he IS a spider, and he's pretty powerful. Not your average opponent." Senritsu was getting worried, hearing his heartbeat go haywire.  
  
"Look, I'm certain I can kill him, if I plan carefully. I killed Ubogin, without any outsider help."  
  
"But you cannot forget that he had been weakened by the Injiyuu before you had your go at him," said Senritsu.  
  
"I also captured their boss, and managed to get the chains on Pakunoda and him. And Pakunoda's dead too. Do you think that I can take down not one, but two spiders through luck? Even if I was lucky on my first try, it can't always be luck!"  
  
"But don't forget! You had Gon, Killua and me to help. If it weren't for them, would you have managed to get as far as you did, with your irrational gureilla warfare tactic!?"  
  
"I don't need help. As long as I have a plan, I'm certain I can kill off at least one more."  
  
"And what's your plan?!" cried Senritsu in her beautiful, melodic voice. "Kurapika, don't be ridiculous! You're risking yourself! They know who you are, what your identity is, they're not stupid! Pakunoda gave her life up to save her friends! Don't behave in such an irrational manner! You're behaving irresponsibly, and not only will you get yourself hurt, you may also get your friends hurt!"  
  
Kurapika felt ashamed for making Senritsu worry so much about him. He hated having people feel this way towards him. He hated people relying on him, and moreover, him relying on people.  
  
_I can't let her worry… and yes. I do need a plan. They know my identity, because Pakunoda spilt my secret, and I know this because she's dead. I need a way of hiding my identity, my chains, and get close enough to him, and kill him. If I'm lucky, I may rip off all the other limbs too_.  
  
At that point, Neon suddenly bursted in from the door that connected the two suites together and jumped on top of him, nearly strangling Kurapika by her arm repeatedly knocking on his throat.  
  
"Kuuurapppppeeeka!" she squealed. "Play Big2 with me! We need one more player! Hurry!"   
  
As he followed the prancing, loud, and slightly annoying teenage girl, he suddenly had the perfect idea.  
==================================================  
  
Next Chapter: Kurapika's plan unveiled! How will he go about dealing with his long hated enemies - the Genei Ryodan? Watch this space! Chapter Two Pt 3 coming out in your local bookstore soon!  



	4. Kurapika x Undercover x Behind Enemy Lin...

========= **ADVENTURES OF A NINE LEGGED SPIDER** =========  
by Onkiu!  
  
=================================================  
*****  
Author's Note: This is the third part of who knows how many parts of Chapter Two. Like I said before, this chapter was an unexpected 10,000 words + long, which would make this quite a long two chapter fic.   
  
Also, I felt that it would be too tedious, long and boring for people to read such a long page.   
  
So, Chapter Two has now been separated into 2000 word long sections for easier reading!  
  
Legal Stuff: Please refer to Chapter One - I do not own HxH!  
*****  
==================================================  
Onkiu presents:  
**ADVENTURES OF A NINE LEGGED SPIDER**  
_Chapter Two Pt 3: Kurapika x Undercover x Behind Enemy Lines_  
A game of pretence.  
  
[Original title: The bouncer x angry young man x clashes]  
==================================================  
  
Kurapika looked at himself in the mirror, and he found himself absolutely unrecognisable. Long, wavy red hair, luscious and moist red lips, gorgeous outfit, enhanced by his rather silky legs that had been achieved through painful waxing. He was the epitome of beautiful, and he looked like an absolute goddess. He was sure he was more beautiful than most of the plain girls that hung around the nightclub, and he wasn't even a girl!  
  
"I never knew you had it in you," said Senritsu, who looked slightly envious. "Since when did you start cross dressing? You did look a bit feminine before, but you're absolutely gorgeously womanly now!"  
  
_I started when I formed a plan to crush the spider._  
  
"But gee, you sure look beautiful," said Basho, blushing, who looked as though he would ask him out soon.  
  
"Wow! Cool, Kurapika! You could be the big sister I never had! Let's go shopping one day together!" Neon seemed to have taken an even greater liking to Kurapika the female than she did to Kurapika the male. "We can buy clothes together!"  
  
"No.. I… that's OK! I'm sure Elisa will be more than happy to!"  
  
For a while now, Kurapika had been observing how Neon behaved, and had based a plan on that. He would pretend to be a beautiful young girl (and seeing that the only beautiful young girl he knew was Neon, he would act like her), and get close to the bouncer. He was pretty sure that he would be unrecognisable, and what kind of warm blooded male would reject such a beautiful girl as himself? Then, he would take him somewhere secluded, and kill him off, just as it had been for Ubogin. Better still; lead him to the spider's lair where he could kill ALL of them off.  
  
"I'm going now," said Kurapika flatly, before Basho could ask him out and Neon could drag him to go shopping.  
  
"Where are you going dressed as a drag queen?" said Senritsu.  
  
"A date," he lied. Basho looked absolutely disappointed.  
  
Senritsu, of course, knew something was wrong.   
  
"No you're not," she whispered in his ear, which took some extra effort considering Kurapika's added height from stilettos. "You're not using this disguise to lure the bouncer, right?"  
  
"Dead right."  
  
"Kurapika, I -!"  
  
He stormed out of his room and tripped on his Eiffel Tower high stilletos. Tonight would be the night. There was no Basho and Senritsu to discourage him, and no Basho and Senritsu to make him more easily recognisable. He would kill him tonight. I_ mustn't act like myself. I mustn't make myself identifiable. I will blend in and act as much like Neon as possible._  
  
==================================================  
  
It was Phinx and Nobunaga's turn to watch over Feitan tonight at the Funky Cows Nightclub. Shizuku and Machi had already given them warnings on how daunting and boring the task ahead would be. Babysitting Feitan. Pah! Too boring, Feitan can look after himself! They had come prepared with everything from playing cards (left by ex-Ryodan member Hisoka) and Junior Scrabble. Much to their surprise, however, the job really wasn't quite as boring as Shizuku and Machi had made it out to be.  
  
"It's really not as boring as they said," said Nobunaga. "The people here are fairly interesting, and goodness… those girls sure are hot. They don't make them like that at Headquarters!"  
  
"They make them more powerful at headquarters." replied Phinx, shuddering at the memory of his encounter when he accidently entering Pakunoda's room while she was changing.  
  
They had watched Feitan for a while. Feitan was so boring. All he did was sit on his stool and stare at the people entering. Nobunaga really could not understand Feitan. _There are so many pretty girls here, what's wrong with you, Feitan? What's so interesting about the Pale Ale commercial poster?_  
  
"Damnit, this is boring," said Nobunaga after a while. "I take back what I said before. The girls aren't hot anymore when they're so drunk."  
  
"Let's play a game… how about Heads and Tails?" replied Phinx.  
  
"That's the game we play only if we have a fight. How about-"  
  
"Hey look!" Phinx slapped Nobunaga's arm feverishly and pointed in the direction of the door.   
  
At that moment, a very beautiful girl had entered. Long wavy red hair, luscious red lips, she was simply different, otherworldly, ethereal. She radiated a different aura from all the other girls there. Maybe it was because she was truly a goddess, or maybe it was because she wasn't drunk. Gorgeous as she was, she walked in a rather unladylike manner. She had entered the room, swinging her arms wide, cutting a wide path, storming in so hard that it looked as though the heels on her shoes would snap in half at any moment.   
  
"Damnit.. she's beautiful… even if she is a bit manly in her mannerisms." said Phinx.  
  
"At least there'll be something interesting to look at tonight. Such beautiful eye candy."  
  
"Spiders don't fall for beautiful women, or else we would have met our downfall earlier on."  
  
"But we're still warm blooded males."  
  
Phinx and Nobunaga entertained themselves by trying as hard as they could to catch the girl's attention, and seeing who would be more successful. They waved their arms, they shouted her drinks, they tried using 'electrifying' glances. But it all failed.  
  
The only time she ever looked at them was to glare back coolly at them.  
  
"Ooh… feisty." whistled Nobunaga, while maintaining a coy glance at her.   
  
Phinx had decided that it was obviously Nobunaga that she was glaring at. After all, Phinx had decided that he himself was more handsome anyway. What kind of beautiful girl like her would fall for some guy with such droopy eyes and such unkempt hair? He left Nobunaga and made his way to her table. He was going to pick her up. Successfully. Nobunaga was such a hindrance to his love life, such shame, such embarrassment. The girl, whoever she was, seemed less forgetful than Shizuku, had a nicer nose than Pakunoda, and but was certainly as icy as Machi. But what did it matter? She was a goddess!  
  
"Hello, cutie." Phinx seated himself next to her.  
  
"What do you want?" she snapped, glaring at him.  
  
Ignoring the rather cold reception, he continued their conversation. "What's your name? Want a drink? What are you into?"  
  
"That's none of your business," said she.  
  
Phinx was affronted. He had never been talked to like this before, even from fellow spiders. As he sat there, trying to think of a good rebuke –  
  
-she said, "If you have no business here, then get away from me. Your vile manners are making me sick."  
  
Even more affronted, Phinx left, stunned, angry, his manly pride and ego receiving hefty blows and returned to a Nobunaga who was unsympathetic and rolling on the floor, laughing.  
  
"Ahahaha! Rejected! I nearly lost to the waiter… we were wagering on how long you would last with her before you would get rejected! Man, I was so scared you would go over the half minute mark!" said Nobunaga.  
  
To the waiter, he said, "Oi, you owe me three free drinks."  
  
==================================================  
  
_So it seemed like my disguise worked. Maybe a bit **TOO** effective. They love me like a frog loves insects. But what's wrong with the bouncer? Is he blind?! Is he human?!_  
  
Kurapika had just rejected yet another pickup attempt, this time, by a blond man with a big forehead. Still, the bouncer was yet to make a move on him. He was still sitting stonily on his stool, staring at the Pale Ale poster on the wall near him. He had his hands in his pockets and his feet dangling in the air. He looked rather like a stuffed toy, since his face was so expressionless and he barely moved.  
  
_But I was too like myself. I must act like Neon, must act like Neon. Now, what would Neon do? Neon would be squealing up to any cute guy who would buy her some very expensive body parts. On the count of 3, I will run up to the bouncer, and squeal like Neon. I will shake off the real me, Kurapika.  
  
3.... 2.... 1...._  
  
"Mr. Bouncerrrrrrrrr!!!" squealed Kurapika, whilst inwardly, he flinched at being such a tart. He also felt slightly stupid, since he didn't know the bouncer's name, and had to resort to something generic. He also felt goosebumps rise to his skin, because his squeal sounded uncannily like Neon's. It was amazing how many reactions his body made to that one statement. Kurapika ran up to Feitan's stool and leapt on top of him, clinging like a cat that just jumped onto the lap of some unsuspecting human. The sudden surprise attack caught Feitan off guard and he fell off his chair, with Kurapika landing on top of him.  
  
"That girl's attacking Feitan!' yelled Phinx, leaping off his chair, ready for action.  
  
"Stop!' said Nobunaga, catching his arm. 'Don't expose ourselves yet!'  
  
They watched the girl hung onto Feitan for dear life. He tried with all his might to fling her off, but it didn't seem to work. She just hung on, refusing to budge, like a piece of dust that refused to be removed. Feitan swung left. The girl hung on, and swung left also. Feitan swung right. The girl was still hanging on, and swung right also. After repeating this process a few times, even the usually very patient torturer was getting quite testy.  
  
'Get off me!' yelled Feitan, which was something he did not always do.  
  
'Nobunaga, don't you think there's something odd about that girl?' said Phinx, observing from the sidelines, torn between helping Feitan or keeping himself unexposed.  
  
'Like what?' said Nobunaga.  
  
'Why would she reject a tall, handsome man like me, and instead, go for a man half her height?'  
  
'I wouldn't know.'  
  
"Maybe she has a thing for Feitan…"   
  
"Not unlikely. I must say, he does have quite a pretty face, unscarred by the battles of the Ryodan. But we need to report this to Sharlnack. Any incident involving Feitan and any non-spider personnel must be reported," said Nobunaga, who had managed to keep his cool, and had whipped out his phone and was dialing Sharlnack's number (listed under the name Shaz, for some funny reason).  
  
==================================================  
  
Next Chapter: How will Sharlnack react to this powerful threat - the mighty chain guy with his mighty chains? Let the tension build!  



	5. Behind Enemy Lines Pt 4

**------------------------------------------------------------------------  
ADVENTURES OF A NINE LEGGED SPIDER**  
by Onkiu!  
**------------------------------------------------------------------------**

Author's Note: Hi, I'm back from a long hiatus. Thank you for all your comments, it made me feel guilty to not put these chapters up (which I wrote many months back.) I am currently busy keeping up with commitments, but I will try to upload as many chapters as I can.

This is the fifth part of who knows how many parts of Chapter Two. Like I said before, this chapter was an unexpected 10,000 words + long, which would make this quite a long two chapter fic.

Also, I felt that it would be too tedious, long and boring for people to read such a long page.

So, Chapter Two has now been separated into 2000 word long sections for easier reading!

Enjoy!

Legal Stuff: Please refer to Chapter One - I do not own HxH!

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_  
_Onkiu presents:  
**ADVENTURES OF A NINE LEGGED SPIDER**  
Chapter Two Pt 4: Kurapika x Undercover x Behind Enemy Lines  
A game of pretence._

Original title: The bouncer x angry young man x clashes  
**------------------------------------------------------------------------**

As a result of the report on the incident, Sharlnack had sent cool headed Machi and calm Shizuku to Funky Cows to keep an eye on things. Safety in numbers, he had said. Sharlnack also had the feeling that if Machi and Shizuku were not there, Phinx and Nobunaga just MIGHT be inclined to do something rash, idiotic and stupid. Machi's cool headedness and Shizuku's calming prescence would definitely be helpful.

The club had long since finished its business for the night, and all of the patrons had left. Except for a certain beautiful girl who was in fact a man underneath the layers of makeup, the rather realistic wig, the stilettos and the pretty little outfit. The certain beautiful girl,Kurapika, was waiting for a certain little bouncer to finish packing some chairs up and leave.

Across the road from the club, hidden in the shadows were four shadowed figures watching all of this. The lights flicked off, and a small man and a slightly taller girl left.

One of the figures was Machi.

"Follow them," said Machi. "If there are any links between him and the chain guy, however minor, we retreat, pronto."

They followed silently and swiftly, as is the manner of the spiders. Every step that the girl and Feitan took, they took one too. If the girl and Feitan stopped, they stopped also. The girl had been following him for quite some time now, insisting that she was very scared of all the nasty people that lurked in little alleys and offered her candy and a lift home. She kept asking him to take her home, to which Feitan had either refused or ignored every time she did.

"Please take me home, Mr. Bouncer!" she cried in such an innocent tone that was very uncharacteristic of Kurapika, whose innocence had been destroyed when he witnessed a massacre of his people.

Feitan made no reply.

"Please? I'm really scared... I shouldn't have stayed so long!"

"Yes. You shouldn't've." said Feitan unsympathetically. Feitan continued walking and the girl followed him, much to his annoyance (though he hid it well). The girl really didn't know when to stop. She just kept bugging and bugging him, and Feitan felt that he was about to reach breaking point when his phone suddenly rang.

"Hello?" said Feitan.

"Feitan," said Machi, ringing him from across the street, speaking in a no nonsense kind of voice that was typical of her. "It's Machi. Shizuku, Phinx, Nobu and I are across the street from you. We've been watching you, and it seems that the girl has been following you. What is your situation?"

On a sudden stroke of genius, Feitan said, trying to put some emotion into his voice, "Oh, honey. I'm sorry I'm so late. I know I should've been home a few hours ago, but there's this girl I have to take home."

He really, genuinely, hoped that Machi would catch onto his idea. Kurapika felt himself twitch and his nose wrinkle. This guy has a wife? Wait... is he even a spider? Did I get the wrong guy? Is he just someone that I didn't like?

"Huh?" said Machi. It was obvious that she hadn't. "Are you alright, Feitan?"

"Look, honey. Please don't shout at me! How about I take her home before I come home?" Feitan desperately tried to find Machi hidden in the dark, and when he did, he kept trying to send her eye signals. Machi blanked out for a bit before an expression of realisation dawned on her.

"I get it, Feitan. The girl's been persistently following you and refuse to take no for an answer. She won't leave you unless you follow her wherever. I see. I think there's something wrong with her because she refuses to let this matter drop. It's very suspicious. I think we need to take her back to base, and tell Sharlnack. There may be something interesting about her, and possibly something about the chain guy."

"Do take her back to headquarters!" nodded Phinx enthusiastically, pretty much agreeing to the idea of taking a beautiful girl home.

Feitan felt himself breathe a sigh of relief, and couldn't help but thanking God that Machi was such a logical and brilliant decoder of encrypted messages.

"Oh alright... so, how am I supposed to do that?" he said, trying as hard as he could to keep up his fake, one-sided argument with his supposed wife while still being able to communicate efficiently with Machi.

"It's not safe for you to travel alone with her. Remember, there's still the possibility that she may be the chain guy or may be linked to the chain guy. I suggest you find our car, and we'll travel with her to be safe. When we get back to base, we'll get Sharlnack to question her."

"Didn't Sharlnack said to stay away from him?" said Nobunaga, listening onto Machi's side of the conversation.

"But we can't shake her off. If Feitan follows her, he may get killed." said Shizuku. "If Feitan doesn't follow her, she'll persist until he does, or worse, follow him back to HQ. So our safest option now is for her to travel with 5 of us."

"Listen, Feitan." said Machi, "Our car is parked on the corner of Grand Central Parade and Tiger Street. Take your time getting there, I have to call Sharlnack so he can prepare."

"Bye, honey," said Feitan, not giving up on his facade.

Kurapika was now fairly confused. This guy just had an argument with his wife, even if it sounded quite odd. This argument was caused because of him. Maybe I've got the wrong guy. Maybe this bouncer is in fact not a spider, just someone whose appearance I despised. Maybe he's a normal guy, living a normal life which may be shattered because of an argument with his wife who thinks he's having extramarital affairs. Maybe I've just broken up a happy home!

He was now pretty unsure of himself. He was now torn between his judgement and the real facts that had just been presented in front of him. Kurapika was wondering whether to give up on investigating this very suspicious looking bouncer when the aforementioned bouncer turned to him and said-

"Ma-, I mean, my wife just yelled at me." said Feitan flatly, "She refuses to let me take you home, but has given up and will let you stay at our place for the night."

"WHAT!" Kurapika was caught off-guard by this sudden submission on the part of Feitan. This is wrong. He suddenly offers to let me stay at HIS home? If he is a normal guy, then I've just broken up his home. But then, if he was pretending to speak to his wife, and that he really may be a spider, then I've just walked into a trap. I've worked on this for so long, I cannot just give up... no, I have to give up. It's to dangerous. I... but if I refuse now, it would be very suspicious and they certainly will not let me go now.

After weighing his choices, in which his desire to crush the spider far outweighed the breaking of a happy home or his own life, he meekly answered, still sounding surprisingly like Neon, "Ah... alright... um. Thanks..."

Feitan stared at her, trying to find answers to his suspicions. Dissatisfied by his lack of results, he turned to head to the car when he remembered Machi's order.

"How about... window shopping?"

**------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Next Chapter: **What will Kurapika do? Walking straight into a trap, how will he get out of this one? Find out in the next chapter ;)


	6. Behind Enemy Lines Pt 5

--------- **ADVENTURES OF A NINE LEGGED SPIDER** ---------  
by Onkiu!

-------------------------------------------------

Author's Note: This is the fifth part of who knows how many parts of Chapter Two. Like I said before, this chapter was an unexpected 10,000 words + long, which would make this quite a long two chapter fic.

Also, I felt that it would be too tedious, long and boring for people to read such a long page.

So, Chapter Two has now been separated into 2000 word long sections for easier reading!

Legal Stuff: Please refer to Chapter One - I do not own HxH!

* * *

Onkiu presents:  
**ADVENTURES OF A NINE LEGGED SPIDER**  
_Chapter Two Pt 5: Kurapika x Undercover x Behind Enemy Lines_  
A game of pretence.

Original title: The bouncer x angry young man x clashes  
--------------------------------------------------

Kurapika found it odd... window shopping? Now? But he went along, trying hard to blend in, and not agitate him. He didn't want suspicions to arise, odd clues given out, his secret to be revealed. All girls like window shopping... right? Neon does it all the time!

Kurapika had been looking at Jimmy & Jimmy's Formal Wear window for around 5 minutes now, staring at the same blue satin formal dress, lit up by the soft glow of display lights. The bouncer was doing the same, but every once in a while, he kept turning his head around and stared into the corner of Grand Central Parade and Tiger Street. The dress had not really been interesting to start with, and was even more tiring to look at as the seconds passed. He tried playing some mind games to ease the boredom, and in his mind, he was placing that blue dress onto all the people he knew.

_Gon... no, that's not right. He's a little kid. Neither would Killua. Senritsu... ah, yes, she's a girl, but, she's too short for this. Leorio... hey, he'd actually look alright in this, he has a model's body, after all. Even if it may not be the same shape. Neon... yeah, she'd look good in it. Same with Elisa._

He was about to put it on Basho (which, thankfully, he didn't), Feitan suddenly turned to him and said, "Alright. Let's go."

Kurapika had been wondering what that wait was all about. "What were we waiting for?"

"Nothing." said Feitan untruthfully. Seeing that he may as well continue pretending to be a family man, he said, "My children are coming to pick me up."

They headed across the road to the corner of Grand Central Parade and Tiger St. Under the yellow street lamp was a black car parked near the rubbish bin. Four people were standing around it. It wasn't looking too good for Kurapika. They had their arms crossed and their eyes were following Kurapika, making him feel uneasy and more tense than he should.

Kurapika squinted and tried to make out the figures. There was a blond man whom he had never seen before. He had heavy eyelids, and looked eithervery angryor frustrated. Or both. In front of him was a man with his hair tied up like a palm tree, whom he recognised as a Ryodan member from the time that he had been lurking around the hotel waiting to strike at Kuroro when Gon and Killua had been captured.

Somewhere, deep in his mind, there was a burning thought. _The bouncer lied. They're too old to be his children. They are Ryodan members. I'm doomed, I can't escape five Ryodan members now._

Lastly, were the two girls. He definitely knew that they were Ryodan members. He had, at one point in the past, dressed up as another girl and had been following the Danchou. These were the two girls that had flanked his side, and had turned, ready for battle as he hid in the alleyway. He suddenly felt another pang of guilt and anger at his irrational behaviour when he remembered Gon and Killua's sacrifice to make sure that his identity remained a secret. Kurapika felt worse.

"These are my children." Feitan lied.

Deciding to continue pretending to be ignorant of the fact that these people were in fact not blood family, but the infamous Genei Ryodan, Kurapika stuttered, "Ah ... hi. Um... are you sure your wife will not kill me?"

Feitan shrugged, knowing that his 'wife' very well might. The other spiders returned his greeting with some murmuring and nods (or some silent treatment), expect for Phinx, who seemed flabbergasted and tongue tied. They got into the car, and try as Kurapika might to get a window seat (should trouble arise and he needed to make a quick escape) without being too obvious, the Ryodan members were too clever to be tricked, and they had managed to place him in the middle seat at the back of the car (without being too obvious), squished between three other Ryodan members (without being too obvious). Kurapika could not help but feel hopelessly trapped as he sat squashed in a three seater sat by four people.

"Erm... it's too squished. I can walk home if you want..." said Kurapika desperately. His plan had fallen to pieces. He had been planning for a one on one with the bouncer, but now they were winning him at his own game. He was now trapped in a car of Spiders. If his identity was revealed, he would surely die.

"Oh, but isn't it too dangerous?" said Feitan mockingly.

This has turned into a game of pretence on both sides, thought Kurapika.

He was seated between Phinx and Nobunaga, who he was sharing the middle seat with. Machi was staring broodingly out the window next to Nobunaga on the back seat. In the front, Feitan was seated comfortably, not squished, as he stared in front of him as he always did at Funky Cows Nightclub. Kurapika couldn't help feeling that maybe Feitan should have been at the back and someone bigger be at the front. Shizuku was driving in a very exciting way. Every once in a while she swerved left, to which everyone responded by toppling on top of each other like dominos. She would also swerve right, to which everyone did the same thing by toppling the opposite way.

Kurapika tried to take his mind off the worries of sharing a car with the Ryodan members by taking in details of the car. It had a nice smell to it, much like some brand of air refreshener in Vanilla flavour. The leather on the seats were old and worn, butwell cared forand was not torn. The car itself was pretty clean. Much to his surprise, there was a row of fluffy toys behind him.

"That's Shizuku's work." said Phinx, realising that he had been staring at it.

Having a spider talk to him jolted him back into the dire desperation of reality. _Who cares about the car? I need to get myself away from here. Let's see, Kurapika. There are five of them here, who are as strong or stronger than me. I cannot take them on with my strength, because there's five of them and one of me. I also cannot outwit them, because they've just outwitted me at my own game. No. I cannot win them with wits... I need to play on a weakness. What was it?_

He distinctly remembered that they had a weakness, but what was it...? He looked from one member to another, until his eyes landed on Phinx. This blonde man... he... he was the one that tried to pick me up! That's it! His weakness is beautiful women! And right now, I'm dressed up as a beautiful woman! If I can't win them with wits or strength, I'll win them with my charms! I'll use this weakness to my advantage!

Kurapika turned to the blonde man next to him. "Oh, handsome!" He couldn't help but flinch. It really killed him to lay any sort of praise on a spider, be they worthy of it or not. Even if they were truly handsome, he would rather be tortured at Kukulu mountain before praising him. But desperate situations call for desperate means.

"Huh?" said Phinx, caught off guard by this sudden warmth from the ethereal goddess who only hours before had rejected him coldly and unsympathetically. "Me?"

"Yes, you, bay-beeeee!" Kurapika tried using a coy glance and a flirty smile. It seemed to have worked, for Phinx was now glowing all the colours of a glorious sunset.

"I... I... I...! I.. I have a name!" shouted Phinx, who was so red now that he looked like a capsicum with blonde hair. The car had now fell silent as all eyes turned to him, including Shizuku, who blinked. She had forgotten that she was driving as she stared at him, before a loud honk from an oncoming truck made her turn around and execute a quick swerve to the left. Some honking from the angry truck driver was still heard, mingled with some cursing and name calling.

"Yeah, we know you have a name." snapped Machi, woken from her light nap by the shouting, honking, swerving and cursing.

"What's your name?" Kurapika winked at him (and inwardly, he felt like vomitting.)

"Mynamfinks." gasped Phinx.

"What!"

"M-my name is P-Phinx." whispered Phinx quietly, to avoid any more trouble. "W-what b-b-bout you?"

Uh oh. thought Kurapika. I need a name that isn't related to me, AT ALL, and QUICK!

"I'm... Neo.. I mean, I'm... ah... Mary-Sue!" said Kurapika, wondering how on earth he thought of that name.

Nobunaga looked on their conversation disdainfully. Maybe it was jealousy that made him silently wish that Phinx would just shut up and stop making a fool of himself and all things Ryodan related. Or maybe it was his spider instinct that made him want Phinx to shut up before he leaked too many spider secrets away.

"Phinx, shut up." Nobunaga tried sending him desperate eye signals that warned him about saying too much, to which Phinx responded by sticking his tongue at him over Kurapika's head because he took that message as a sign of jealousy that the beautiful Mary-Sue was laying her pretty eyes and precious attention on him.

Shizuku also sensed an idiotic Phinx that may leak Ryodan secrets and an impatient Nobunaga that would bop him on the head for doing just that were about to begin battle. Seeing that she was driving, she could not pull out Demi-chan to do some impartial judging. She slammed her foot on the accelerator and they sped off down the highway towards Ryodan headquarters.

--------------------------------------------------

_Next Chapter_: As they draw closer and closer towards Ryodan headquarters, how will both parties react?

PS: I thought that Mary Sue would be such a fitting name for femme Kurapika. After all, he's powerful, he's beautiful, he has a few men after him and he has a tragic past :D


	7. Behind Enemy Lines Pt 6

--------- **ADVENTURES OF A NINE LEGGED SPIDER** ---------  
by Onkiu!

-------------------------------------------------

Author's Note: This is the sixth part and final part of Chapter Two. Like I said before, this chapter was an unexpected 10,000 words + long, which would make this quite a long two chapter fic.

Also, I felt that it would be too tedious, long and boring for people to read such a long page.

So, Chapter Two has now been separated into 2000 word long sections for easier reading!

Legal Stuff: Please refer to Chapter One - I do not own HxH!

* * *

Onkiu presents:  
**ADVENTURES OF A NINE LEGGED SPIDER**  
_Chapter Two Pt 6: Kurapika x Undercover x Behind Enemy Lines_  
A game of pretence.

Original title: The bouncer x angry young man x clashes  
--------------------------------------------------

Sharlnack was leaning against the wall, reading the York Shin Times (since it was now Franklin, Kurotopi and Bonoroleof's 30 minutes on the armchair) when he heard the sounds of a car being parked outside the home. There was the rolling of gravel, followed by the sound of a brake clicking before four doors being slammed.

"Ah. Our guest is here." said Sharlnack. "Remember, we are family."

"Yes daddy!" answered Bonoroleof. A/N: Wow, first time he's actually said a line! To be honest, I have no idea what his personality is like, and hence what he would say.

Sharlnack watched as the door opened, and he expected a scared and timid girl (or guy, if he really was the chain guy), to enter, weeping, flanked by the Ryodan members. Much to his surprise, however, Nobunaga stormed in first, looking deeply resentful and slightly grumpy, followed by a blinking Shizuku, Machi and Feitan walking silently side by side before Phinx entered, with their 'guest', who were laughing happily, prehaps sharing a joke or in the middle of some light and casual conversation.

Sharlnack blinked, confused. He caught Shizuku by the arm and asked her, "Why are they so friendly? Isn't she the dangerous chain guy?"

"I dunno?" she shrugged. "Maybe she's not the chain guy?"

"Phinx looks really smitten by her."

Indeed he did. He was laughing happily and sharing some funny experiences with her, as they sat on some folded down cardboard boxes (once again due to the lack of chairs). Not once did his gaze leave her.

"... you see, I used to have a dog. He would try and bite Feitan every time he came over, because he didn't like guys that were the same size as him..."

"Oh, that's so cute!" gushed Kurapika, whose facade was kept up very well despite being under such pressure. _I wish it bit him to death when he was younger_, he cursed inwardly.

"Yes, and one day, Feitan decided he had enough of being bitten and being small that he came wearing some high heels that were this big-"

He put two fingers apart to indicate its length, to which Kurapika's eyes widened-

"-but because they were so tall, Feitan fell off them. Unfortunately, it was near where Fido was sleeping. Feitan fell on top of Fido, and he woke up and started chasing Feitan, trying to bite him. Hehe, that was when we were really litte. I think we were five back then."

From Franklin's vantage point on top of some cardboard crates, he observed the guest and Phinx. All the spiders had, by now, stationed themselves at various exits and vantage points, so efficiently that it was as though it was one body with many limbs and the same brain. This efficiency would enable them to watch the guest as well as making sure he wouldn't escape. There were many powerful people in the world, but none were more feared than the Ryodan, not only because of their power, but because of their efficient teamwork.

Franklin was pretending to be reading a book on his armchair while watching Kurapika through the top of his reading glasses. He had not noticed that his book was in fact upside down as he did so. The more Franklin looked at Phinx, the more it looked like he wasn't questioning the guest about the chain guy. The more he looked, the more Franklin swore that he saw Phinx was flirting, which was something he really wasn't accustomed to seeing.

"Mary, you have such beautiful eyes," said Phinx suddenly, leaning in closer to Kurapika. He could feel Phinx's smelly Pale Ale breathe.

"Thank-" Kurapika was about to reply, before the full force of the words hit him. Beautiful eyes. Yes. His eyes were indeed very beautiful. They were so beautiful that the Genei Ryodan decided to massacre his clan just so their glorious ruby red colour could be immortalised forever in a jar of distilled water. Suddenly, Kurapika didn't feel like honouring them with his presence anymore. He really felt sick, so sick that he felt like vomiting.

"I... - ARGH!"

"Mary! Mary! What's wrong?" said Phinx, astonished, leaping out of the way in case he had Kurapika's digested dinner goop all over him.

"Too ... alcohol... need... toilet!" Kurapika clapped his hands over his mouth before pushing Phinx out of his way. He walked a few steps before he realised that he didn't know where they Ryodan toilets were.

"That way." pointed Machi. "Upstairs, turn to the second room on your right."

"Fancks." Kurapika ran off quickly, upstairs and into the second room on his right. Once he had left, the Ryodan members murmured quietly just in case 'Mary' had great hearing or had not really gone to the toilet at all.

"I wonder what's wrong with her?" said Shizuku innocently.

"Too much Pale Ale." said Nobunaga, shaking his head furiously.

"I think it's sus. She's fine, laughing, and suddenly, she's sick? Is it because you were leaning to close to her, Phinx?" said Sharlnack.

"Never the less, we'd better watch out for her. She's really quite... different." said Franklin.

"I think she's linked to the chain guy." added Machi to this discussion.

"And what makes you think that? Intuition?" said Nobunaga.

"Yes."

"She's taking awfully long," commented Shizuku. "I think someone should check on her."

"She may be constipated, or doing herself up!" cried Phinx in her defence.

"Or thinking of an escape route?" said Machi coolly.

"Check on her, Phinx. See what she's up to." commanded Sharlnack, stopping a fight before it could start itself.

"Alright," said Phinx sulkily as he stormed up the stairs.

--------------------------------------------------

Now that Kurapika was away from their prescence, he felt much calmer. He was verging on breaking point just being near the very people who massacred his family. Now that he was away from them, his heartbeat had returned to normal and his about-to-be reguritated food had slid back down his throat and settled into his stomach. Switching on the lights, he surveyed his surroundings. This room, like the other rooms he had seen so far, was quite dank and abandoned. The walls were caked with grime, and as Kurapika stuck his finger on it, he realised that it had multiple layers, from many years of disuse.

There was mildew on the ceiling, and the once gleaming bathroom tiles were now brown and stained. The shower in the corner was rusting, and the floor was littered with the basic necessities for personal hygiene and care - a bottle of cheap shampoo and conditioner, and a half used bar of soap. A half-open cabinet was fixed upon the opposite wall, in which there was a comb, a brush, and toothpaste. Underneath was a sink that was as dirty as the other fixtures in the bathroom. The toilet itself was stained, as though it had not been cleaned for years. It also smelled. Above the toilet was a window, half open.

Kurapika fixed his gaze on the window. I need to escape. I hate this place. I'm trapped. There are nine spiders down there. I cannot escape through the entrance, lest I be killed. I don't want to stay here any longer. They evoke such a sense of hatred and years of torment inside me. I need to get out... through this window... but how?

The window was ajar, and quite small. Kurapika would just barely fit through. He was, after all, a pro hunter, and if Gon can jump from great heights, so could he. Quite a short jump compared to his preliminaries before the Hunter Exam.

He closed the lid of the toilet and climbed on top of it. Kneeling in front of the window, he pried it open, slowly and quietly. It was fully open when-

STOMP, STOMP, STOMP - a loud stomping noise erupted a few rooms nearby, and SLAM! - his door burst open.

"Mary!" yelled Phinx, opening the door.

Kurapika gasped. _Crap. I forgot to lock the door!_

"I...!" stammered Kurapika.

"What are you doing?" said Phinx, staring from the wide open window to Kurapika kneeling on top of the toilet, and from Kurapika back to the window.

"I... was... taking a fresh breathe of air? This room stinks." lied Kurapika.

"... well, do you need any medication?"

"No... ah.. it's fine. It's just that I have.. P-... P-..." Kurapika was done for. Inside his brain, he quickly tried to recall that P word that only ladies had once a month. What was it? Periods? Puberty? No, can't be. PMS? There was that P word! Senritsu said it once, Elisa mentioned it in passing, and Neon has it every month!

"... er... it's that time of the month," said Kurapika lamely, who couldn't quite recall what it was.

"Oh." nodded Phinx understandingly, as if he fully understood.

"PMS." He threw at him, praying that Phinx had just about as much idea as he did.

"Oh." nodded Phinx furiously. "Um. We're going to have some ice cream. Would you like to come down for some?"

"No thanks. Please send my apologies. I ... need to finish my PMS. And please lock the door on your way out, it was quite rude to intrude on a lady in the toilet."

"Sorry," said Phinx meekly, locking and closing the door.

That's it. This is my escape, thought Kurapika when he checked that the door was firmly shut. Kurapika ripped off his Effiel Tower high stilettos and leapt out the window. He landed lightly on his unprotected feet, before he got up and ran away as fast as he could from Ryodan HQ, while noting down its location for future reference.

--------------------------------------------------

"Where is she?" Sharlnack interrogated Phinx when he came back down, alone. Phinx shrugged sulkily at Sharlnack and sent menacing stares at the rest of his comrades, before settling to drop himself heavily onto one of Kurotopi's plump nen armchairs (no more time limit ever since Sharlnack had remembered Kurotopi had such a useful ability.)

"She's feeling unwell," said Phinx unhappily. "She was leaning out the window, vomiting."

"Or trying to escape?" said Machi icily, giving Phinx her penetrating stare, while Phinx stared back hotly.

"Look, lay off her case! Just because her clothes are nicer!" said Phinx defensively. "She's suffering from her once a month thing... erm, PMS."

"She's suffering from PMS, and she needs to be in the toilet, getting a fresh breathe?" retorted Machi. "Phinx, NO ONE needs to be in the toilet to 'carry out' PMS, and I doubt she would be by the window."

"Oh yeah, then what?" he shot back, feeling more and more idiotic by the minute, from his lack of understanding of ladies.

"It's called PERIODS!" said Machi. "And she told you she was suffering from PMS?"

"Yes." he muttered, blushing deeper and deeper.

"Well, I bet that she or he probably knows as much about ladies as you do. Which means - that he isn't even female." she said. "Considering that this lady does not even know about ladies, I believe that she isn't even a girl? That crossdressing is a disguise?"

"I-" began Phinx defensively, before Sharlnack cut in and said-

"Look, if she's been tricking us all along, trying to get Ryodan secrets through Phinx's heart, I have a feeling that she is making an escape right now since she has already got these secrets!"

With that, the Spiders leapt up the stairs and kicked the toilet door open.

The toilet was, as expected, empty. The window was wide open, and there all that was left of 'Mary' was her pair of high heels, lying on the floor.

--------------------------------------------------

Next Chapter: Arguments arise over the identity of Mary. Is she the chain guy? Linked to the chain guy? Some random loony? The Genei Ryodan goes into heated debate! Machi, however, couldn't care less, and applies for a job, as Feitan did. Unfortunately, some pretty exciting stuff will happen in her pretty boring job...


	8. Machi's Visitor

-------------------------------------------------

**ADVENTURES OF A NINE LEGGED SPIDER**  
by Onkiu!

-------------------------------------------------

Author's Note: Did you like Chapter 2 (The ultra long one?)? I hope you did!

Please, if you want this fic for your site, do tell me, it's not like I don't want you to, (because I do, I love fame and glory LOL!), but I just like to know where it goes (and see how nicely it compliments your webpage) ). Lol okay, I just actually wanted to know how many people actually WOULD be bothered to put it on their page

Legal Stuff: I love HxH... but don't own it... boo hoo.

* * *

Onkiu presents:  
**ADVENTURES OF A NINE LEGGED SPIDER**  
_Chapter Three: Machi x Visitor x Bakery_  
--------------------------------------------------

Ever since the infiltration of the 'chain guy' or someone associated with the chain guy, the Genei Ryodan had been very agitated. There have been lots of arguments and debates between members about whether 'Mary-Sue' really was their chain guy, someone linked to the chain guy, or some random loony that was in love with Feitan and that Phinx was in love with and decided to follow them home.

Arguments became heated up, and once again, as it had happened during Kuroro's kidnapping, the Genei Ryodan was torn as to how to deal with this unidentifiable person - to kill him if he was the chain guy, to torture her for info she was associated with the chain guy, or just hope to never bump into her again if she was neither. But since they didn't know who she was, they surely did not know how to deal with her. But one thing was certain to everyone (except for Phinx) - Mary was definitely NOT some random loony. Despite Phinx's vehement protests, no one would side with him on his view regarding this matter. It was plainly obvious that she was not a random loony, since her actions - escaping through the toilet - was deemed by members as highly suspicious. One would not usually jump from the second story, now, would they?

"But I swear, Mary was in love with me! She SO is not the Chain Guy!" yelled Phinx, amidst one of those heated arguments. He flapped his arms in desperation, as though it would help people believe that Mary was a nice and lovely lady for a man of the Ryodan.

"Anyway, do you hear a bee buzzing?" said Machi sarcastically, ignoring Phinx. She was seated in an armchair, reading one of Sharlnack's subscription newspapers - the York Shin Herald, for this matter.

"Look," said Sharlnack logically, trying to calm the Ryodan down. He crossed his arms as he leant back against the wall in what was supposed to appear to be a cool and calm pose. "If Mary was the chain guy, where were the chains? Did we see any chains?"

"No." replied Bonoroleof.

"But this does not mean that he isn't the chain guy. Despite not wearing the chains, there still is the chance that she or he took it off before, or did not materialise them."

"What point are you trying to make?" said Franklin.

"My point is, if he is the chain guy, this whole situation still hasn't helped in shedding any light onto his Nen type. If he is reinforcement, he may have taken those physical chains off when visiting us. If he was materialisation, he may have just... dematerialised it."

"Oh." said Shizuku, snapping out of her train of thoughts. Whether her "Oh." was a result of her inner thoughts or as a reply to Sharlnack's logic was a mystery.

"If he was the chain guy, it means that we cannot do anything against him as of now. We can't hurt one silky strand of his hair. We're also sitting ducks, since he knows about us and our HQ. And, the other side of the argument. If she really was some ally of the chain guy," continued Sharlnack, screwing his face into one of a mastermind. "Then we're pretty much done for unless we kill her. She may have already informed the chain guy about us, our personalities, possibly our nen types, the route to headquarters, and the map inside the headquarters. This still makes us sitting ducks."

"And...?" said Kurotopi.

"I come to the conclusion that - A) If he is the chain guy, we live him alone and pray that he doesn't attack us. B) If she's the ally of the chain guy, we try to kill him and still pray that he doesn't attack us."

"AHEM!" said Phinx loudly.

"Yes, Phinx."

"You forgot the third side of the argument."

Some Ryodan members slapped their foreheads, while others rolled their eyes. There were mutterings of exasperation at Phinx's obvious ignorance of the true picture.

"And what is that?" said Sharlnack patiently, as if he didn't already know.

"What if she's just some sweet innocent lady who needs some lovin'?"

Machi rolled her eyes and returned to her newspaper as she heard the argument rise to a crescendo again. Trying to ignore Phinx's childish arguments and Sharlnack's very patient explanation of why his arguments were not logical, Machi scanned the headlines of today's edition.

_Hmm... 'Judges for Miss Universe announced.' Boring, who cares about a bunch of pretty girls saying how much they want world peace and love children. 'Man who streaked naked during children's play claims to be part of Genei Ryodan.' This loser makes the Ryodan look like a bunch of grazing sheep. 'Bicarbonate Bakeries workers go on strike over salary cuts'... yum, cakes._

As the argument between Phinx and the rest of the Ryodan raged on like a brewing storm, Machi decided it was best to stay out. She didn't feel like adding any of her intuition-based input, nor did she feel like involving herself into trying to convince the ignorant Phinx of the truth. She was sure that Sharlnack would put the view that she also shared with him across eventually.

Bored with the main headlines, she found herself flipping to the classifieds. She didn't know why she was drawn to that. After all, there were more interesting liftouts such as Home and Drive. Maybe she was just a tad envious of Feitan having such an interesting job to go to to relieve himself of the boredom back at HQ in times of withdrawal.

Sure enough, as the headlines already predicted, there were many classifieds placed there by Bicarbonate Bakeries Ltd, amongst other advertisements. Particularly interested, she read:

**Bicarbonate Bakeries NEED YOU!**

Are you a motivated salesperson?  
Do you care about the finer things in life?  
Do you like working with people and working with cakes?

If so, a job at Bicarbonate Bakeries is for YOU!  
We are looking for friendly, motivated staff to sell cakes at our many outlets.  
No experience required, on the job training provided.

Contact Blueberry Muffin on 123 - BICARBONATE

She blinked. A job sounded quite refreshing at times like these when she was confined to Headquarters. If you can't kill, can't maim, can't torture, and can't steal, why not take a job? And so, that was what Machi decided to do. She whipped out her phone and dialled.

--------------------------------------------------

Machi, dressed in her Sunday best (even though it certainly wasn't Sunday, and those clothes certainly wasn't hers, as they were from the late Pakunoda's oh-so trendy wardrobe), cautiously pushed open the door at Bicarbonate Bakeries in York Shin. A bell chimed inside, and as the door closed behind her, the loud, honking sounds of the busy York Shin traffic faded into a soundless void.

She scanned her settings, as her spidey-senses have taught her to do whenever she ventured into the unknown. Hard, ceramic, cream coloured tiles were laid out in a diagonal pattern on the floor under her feet. A glass cabinet stuffed full with absolutely delicious looking cakes and tarts was to her left, next to which was the cash register on the counter that no one was attending. Lined on the shelves against the walls were different varieties of bread, from loaves to long, French baguettes. The walls were painted a creamy, pastel yellow, which Machi found somehow soothing. Pot plants hung on the walls behind the counter, and some abstract paintings covered some empty wall spaces.

All in all, there was an arty, bohemian feel to this place which Machi couldn't help but be drawn to.

"Hello?" she called out cautiously. "Is anyone here? Ms Muffin?"

There was no answer. The shop seemed empty. There was no shop assistant, and no other customers.

Machi called out one more time into the cool, calm stillness of the shop. "Hello? Ms Muffin?"

Still, no answer. As she was about to up and leave, a tall, skinny woman bustled in, looking flustered.

"Oh yes, here, here!" she cried, as she dusted her hands on her apron. True to her name, she had blue hair. However, it was not like Machi's natural blue. Her blue, to be exact, was rather, well... fluorescent. Never had Machi seen such brightly coloured hair before. In fact, it was so bright that for a moment, Machi was momentarily blinded by its full glory.

She shielded her eyes from the bright hair, and had to blink a bit before her eyes adjusted to its full, sensational grandeur. Blueberry Muffin looked like a skinny grasshopper. She was tall and she was thin. Like her little shop, she looked rather artistic. In fact, she looked more like an artist than a baker and entrepreneur. She was wearing very, very unique (or weird, as some would call it) clothes. Machi noticed that although she exuded the air and attitude of a yuppie, she was in fact quite old and wizened. Her hands were wrinkled, and her face was etched with the lines of old age.

"Um..." said Machi, unsure of how to react to this woman who was so, to put it nicely, different.

"Hello, there, Machi is it?" said the lady, beaming. In the process, she flashed her pearly whites.

"Yes. And you must be Ms. Blueberry Muffin?" said Machi cautiously.

"Call me Blu, dear. So, shall we start with your briefing and get you your uniform?"

Machi was taken aback. Didn't she need an interview? Don't you need interviews when you get a job? Isn't that what Feitan and the ever wise Sharlnack had said?

"Don't I need an interview?" said Machi carefully, in case she sounded stupid for not knowing the ways of the mere mortals.

"No, no, dear. We're in a staff shortage crisis, so I'll need all the help I can get. Follow me, and I'll get you your uniform, and contract, and you can start today."

"Today!" exclaimed Machi, much to her surprise. A lot of things were not turning out the way she expected. Starting her job on the spot, as well as no interview? Was this a blessing or not?

--------------------------------------------------

One briefing, one contract signing, an introduction to the two remaining faithful chefs who didn't go on strike and seven uniform fittings later, Machi found herself leaning against the counter, bored. It had been quite a fast day. She seized a job without having to present her resume (made up by Sharlnack and proofread by Feitan), an interview or even pass a background check. She didn't know to be grateful for this or annoyed that she didn't experience the full employment process.

She sighed wistfully. This place was quite as boring as headquarters. She did not expect working to be like this. Where Feitan had his daily dose of excitement from his job by stopping fights and exchanging a few punches in the process if necessary, none of this applied to Machi's job as a shop assistant.

Over the day, customers came and left. Tarts, cakes and bread were bought and eaten. Machi learnt to use her manners by saying "Welcome!", "Excuse me, how may I help you?" and "Thank you, good bye!".

In fact, she said it so many times to so many customer that she felt as though these good manners will rub off on her. Maybe, eventually, before she robbed someone, she would say, "Excuse me, how may I rob you?"

Most of her days here drifted slowly from morning to evening in a similar fashion. As with all days, her boss would come out in the evening to tell her to start packing up, wiping down the trays and collecting the tongs back into the basket. On one particular late afternoon, as she was wiping the counter down, the bell chimed, signalling another customer. She continued to scrub furiously, head bent in concentration.

"Welcome!" she said, tiredly but instinctively. "Please make your selection quickly as we are about to close down."

"Hello, Machi," said a familiar voice.

--------------------------------------------------

Next Chapter: Who is the owner of the familiar voice? Well, read the next chapter and find out!

As you may have realised, I suck at making up names.


	9. Machi is stalked

-------------------------------------------------

**ADVENTURES OF A NINE LEGGED SPIDER**  
by Onkiu!

-------------------------------------------------

Author's Note: Our blue haired goddess continues to take over the limelight! With a very special someone, of course! There's a slight romantic element to, but since the genre is a humourous action/adventure story, this romantic element won't outweigh the others.

Legal Stuff: I love HxH... but don't own it... boo hoo.

--------------------------------------------------  
Onkiu presents:  
**ADVENTURES OF A NINE LEGGED SPIDER**  
_Chapter Four: The stranger x Machi x Cakes_  
--------------------------------------------------

_The voice! So familiar yet..._

Machi couldn't help but stop her scrubbing for a second. She was curious. That voice was one she knew very well. She looked up, and to her surprise and disgust was Hisoka, standing there, smiling his fruity smile. He was wearing the pinstripe suit that suited him so well, and he was looking down at her, the light behind him casting a dark veil over his face. It made his smile, in fact, look rather, shall we say, creepy. Behind he stood a man with sunglasses.

The sudden visit on the part of Hisoka's left Machi rather surprised. Instead of dunking her sponge back into the bucket of detergent, she accidentally put her hand in, and when she realised it, she couldn't help but let out a gasp. She quickly withdrew her hand, and in the process, knocked over the bucket. Machi sighed and stared up at Hisoka in an expression of exasperation and somehow, fear.

"What's wrong, Machi?" he said unctuously. "It's not like you to be so careless :)."

"What... what are you doing here?" she snapped. She certainly was not in a good mood after a day of work, and was even more annoyed by the fact that he managed to add a sideways internet smiley to the end of his sentence. She bent over, retrieved the bucket from the ground, and began wiping up the mess she had created and squeezing it back into the bucket.

"To buy some cakes, obviously," he smiled. "And to ask you out for dinner."

She sighed, and continued wringing the sponge. "You can buy some cakes and then leave. As you can see, I'm very busy right now. As for the dinner, NO."

"Why not?" smirked Hisoka. "Oh, Machi. How many times do I need to ask before you accept?"

"Never for as long as I live. Anyway," she continued, changing the subject. She dropped her sponge back into the bucket, wiped her hands on her apron, and stood behind the counter, ready and waiting with her tongs. "How may I help you? Our selection is rather limited as the shop is about to close. Please make your choice and leave."

"Machi," he said again, as though repeating her name would change her mind. "Is this the attitude you show to all your customers?"

"No. Only to you. My special treatment."

"I want those two fruit tarts, and one slice of that Carrot Cake. And I want you to go out to dinner with me."

She picked up the two fruit tarts, and the slice of Carrot Cake, and placed both in a little paper bag. "Sorry, sir, but there is no such cake as "You to go out to Dinner with Me.' Anything else?"

"No. But it's already the 576th time I asked, so why won't you accept?"

"Simple: I don't want to go out with you. Thank you very much, sir, the total comes to 760 jenis."

Hisoka reached over the counter, and dropped some notes into her hand. Then his hand sidled over to take the bag of cakes from her, but instead of taking the bag, he grabbed her hand instead.

"What are you doing!" snapped Machi icily, trying to pull away. But Hisoka was no mere mortal. Being a former spider, he was within her power range. He squeezed her hand even tighter.

"Machi, I love you, I want you," he said in those fruity tones, his face not imparting any of the love and desire he was professing in the meanwhile. "I want to take you out to dinner, pretty please with a cherry on the top?"

She flung her arm away from him, and stared coolly at him. "How did you know I worked here?"

"Oh," he shrugged. "I followed you here, right from this morning. Hehe," he giggled in a rather creepy way. "Did you know I had to wait until there were no customers here before I could come and ask you out alone?"

"No I didn't, and no, I'm not going out with a stalker," she said flatly.

"Please?"

"NO!"

"With a cherry on the top!"

"Doubly NO!"

Hisoka gave up for that night, and went home a little downtrodden though not defeated. His chauffer followed him, speaking in soft, consoling tones, and occasionally switching to a different tact by berating 'that blue haired girl's' (lack of) taste in men. But he was more persistent than he ever was before. He came everyday, at around the same time - which was when she finished work for the evening. Time and time again, he had used the same lines - "Pretty please with a cherry on the top?" – which, the more he used, the more annoyed she got. He had a hunch that she was annoyed at the cherries, and decided to change it to watermelons instead.

--------------------------------------------------

It had been around two weeks since she started work, and day after day, it was a familiar routine. Get to work, serve some customers, take out some trays of cake, clean the counter, and a visit from Hisoka.

What a familiar routine.

But today was different. Instead of the brilliant, sunny weather that had been blessing York Shin City for those past two weeks, the sky had turned a moody, bleak grey early in the morning. As the day progressed, rain clouds formed over the city. It started to sprinkle a little, then a shower, and evolved to a full torrential rain by afternoon, much to Machi's delight. _With rain today_, she thought, _Hisoka__ won't be coming to badger me again lest he ruin his funky red hair!_

And right she was. At closing time, he still hadn't arrived.

_Yes! Home free, at last! _

But then, realising her lack of umbrella, her positive, happy thoughts took a slight turn to the negative.

_I'll just have to make a run for it home. Maybe get someone to pick me up. _

Checking that everything was in place (Machi had been assigned to make sure the shop is properly shut since Blu was back in the Head Office), she flicked the lights off, and locked the glass door. She pulled the metal shutters down, locked them, before shaking them a bit to make sure that they were in place. Machi then stood there, pondering her next action.

Pedestrians carrying umbrellas were walking past as the rain continued to pour. Cars with bright headlights cut through the water, proceeding to splash some onto the pathways. Some unfortunate souls without umbrellas were running haphazardly with a drenched newspaper covering their heads.

Machi sighed. She wished she would at least be like those unfortunate souls, at least HAVE A NEWSPAPER. She waited for a while, but seeing that the rain continued its downpour, she weighed up her options. It was unlikely that the rain would stop or slow anytime soon. It was now or never.

She leapt from her position under the awnings of Bicarbonate Bakeries into the rain. Skidding slightly on the wet footpath, she dashed forward blindly. Machi ran and picked up speed, eventually becoming a blur to those who caught a glimpse of her. Her head bowed, she flew past the other soaking pedestrians, and just as she was about to reach the intersection, she ran head on into someone.

**BANG! CRASH!**

No, never had it actually occurred to her that there would be someone walking in the OPPOSITE direction. How silly of her. She slipped from the impact, and before her Spider reflexes could kick in and prevent her fall, she fell, landing somewhat safely on her behind. Rubbing her now bruised prosterior, she turned up to apologise (her manners were very well developed by now) to her victim.

Of all the people in York Shin she could bump into, she JUST had to bump into Hisoka. To her disgust, she quickly swallowed her apologies.

--------------------------------------------------

Next Chapter: Poor Machi – how is she going to get away from Hisoka this time?


	10. Chapter 10

-------------------------------------------------

**ADVENTURES OF A NINE LEGGED SPIDER**  
by Onkiu!

-------------------------------------------------

Author's Note: Our blue haired goddess continues to take over the limelight! With a very special someone, of course! There's a slight romantic element to, but since the genre is a humourous action/adventure story, this romantic element won't outweigh the others.

Also, I believe that Hisoka is quite rich. Seeing that in the anime he owned a blimp, I'm sure a limousine is nothing to him).

For sailor aidos :) After I upload these last few chapters, there won't be any more! So, sadly, it will end with many loose ends (woo bad pun).

Legal Stuff: I love HxH... but don't own it... boo hoo.

--------------------------------------------------  
Onkiu presents:  
**ADVENTURES OF A NINE LEGGED SPIDER**  
_Chapter Five: Hisoka x Machi x Fame_  
--------------------------------------------------

"Hello, Machi," said Hisoka, who also had his posterior implanted onto the wet ground, "We meet again."

He said it in that characteristic fruity tone of voice which suggested that meeting old friends in embarrassing situations was quite the norm. Machi decided that her best bet of getting him off her case was to ignore him, and only move after he left, in case he followed her home. When she felt his eyes still boring holes into her forehead after five minutes of the two of them sitting, rain soaked, in the middle of the footpath, with haphazard pedestrians skidding around them and colliding into each other, she gave up.

"What do you want?" she sighed heavily.

"I want to take you out to dinner," said Hisoka, with no trace of embarrassment, "At Serenade's Splendid Resturant," he added, as though the name of this restaurant would be the factor to change her mind.

Machi considered her options. The thought of having a dinner that was not made by one of the Ryodan was very tempting. Phinx, in his sulkiness and depression, had recently taken to cooking in their newly installed kitchen to exercise out all his excess negative energies. He had also taken to asking, which, coming from him, was more in the order of forcing people to taste his creations. And everyone in the Ryodan were all, for once, unanimous in agreement that they neither looked nor tasted like anything fit for human or arachnid consumption.

Here she was, soaking wet and cold; the image of a three course meal of edible material in a comfortable seat at a warm and exclusive restaurant was definitely more pleasing than the image of eating Phinx's postage-stamp-tasting 'meat' in their half-renovated and cold home. _I would be stuck with Hisoka though_, she thought. But then, in her mind, came the image of Phinx, whom so far no one had managed to talk any sense into.

She analysed her choices. _Serenade's – definitely better than home cooking.__ Hisoka – I can definitely talk a tiny bit more reason into him for now that I can talk into Phinx._

"Okay. I'll come," she said, finally succumbing to what she had always steeled herself against.

--------------------------------------------------

Hisoka was 600th time lucky, and his face showed it. He hummed happily as he strutted back to his limousine, parked around the corner, with Machi walking sulkily behind. She kept a clear distance of three metres between him and her, lest he decided that he suddenly wanted to show her his affections.

At the sight of his master approaching the car, his chauffeur quickly leapt out, black umbrella in one hand. He strided around the front, and once Hisoka was near enough, he whispered, "Did it work, sir?"

"Excellent plan, Smithers." Hisoka whispered back, smirking slightly. "Your idea served me well. Indeed, having me waiting for her, soaking wet, without an umbrella, definitely made me look more pitiable than if I sashayed out of my limousine with a chauffeur in tow, holding up an umbrella to keep my expensive Armani suit and perfect hair dry. I would have believed that she was going out with me out of sympathy, but because I know that she does not possess any of that, I therefore conclude that it is-"

"Love, sir?"

"Well done, Smithers. I never knew you to be so bright."

Smithers beamed at this unexpected praise from his master. He held open the door as Machi approached within hearing range, and ceased their little conversation.

"Good evening, Miss," he said, making a low bow.

Machi ignored him as she stepped into the limousine. For a moment, she felt rather guilty to intrude on the perfection of the interior of the car. For a moment, she did not want to plant her mud soaked bottom onto the cream leather seats, nor drip any water onto the clean carpet of the floor. She even had thoughts of walking back out.

But then, she recalled that the owner of the car was Hisoka, and all her qualms about dirtying the car were instantly obliterated. Taking extra care to make the seats dirtier than they need to be, she slid across until she reached the other side of the car. Hisoka moved in after her, and once Smithers had closed the door on them, they were off again.

They sat in an uncomfortable silence for the first few minutes of the trip. Eventually Hisoka broke it by humming some annoying children's tune, which continued for a few more minutes before Machi felt she was about to snap, and cut him short by saying, "Where are we going?"

Hisoka paused thoughtfully for dramatic effect, and then said slowly, "Well, you really would not enjoy the dinner if you were soaking wet, would you?" With a triumphant smirk on his face, he glanced up and down at her slightly dirty and very wet clothes. Silently furious that he was indeed correct, she paused to think of a comeback. However, in the time she took to think of a comeback, his statement was further reinforced by the fact that the cold was now cutting into her skin. She gave up her quest for a witty comeback and settled for the next best thing.

"What do you mean by that?"

"We are getting a change of clothes."

"If you mean that I have to go to a laundromat, I'm not going."

The thought of having to remove her clothes off to dry while in the presence of Hisoka was simply revolting. Hisoka, frankly, didn't mind showing off his fantastic abs, but preferred not to jeopardise his chance of pulling off a date with her any further.

"Since you don't want to, we will go and get new clothes."


End file.
